


bumps, bruises, and scrapes

by SaraJaye



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Arguing, College, Developing Relationship, F/F, Fighting, First Time, Flowers, Implied Sexual Content, Reunions, Valentine's Day, allusions to past incest, allusions to past underage sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 20:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18978199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: When Anthy finally finds Utena again, it's not the happy reunion either of them envisioned, and it's only going to get worse before it gets better.





	bumps, bruises, and scrapes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HandmaidenOfHorror](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandmaidenOfHorror/gifts).



It's Utena's second semester of college when Anthy walks back into her life, and their reunion isn't the happiest.

It's been five years since Ohtori, and she's more or less built a normal life. High school basketball, endless studies, making friends with normal interests, living with her aunt, graduating and being accepted into a university close to home.

Her memories of Ohtori are a blur, and some days all she can remember are the final painful moments in the castle. The sword through her middle, Anthy's cruel words, Akio's smug face, her failure as the swords pierced her flesh. The day Anthy walks back into her life is a day where those moments weigh heavily on her mind, driving her almost to distraction.

"How long, Anthy?" she asks coldly. "How long before you change your mind and go back to him?" The hurt look in Anthy's eyes make her wish she could take the words back, but the damage is done. Anthy simply turns and walked away, and Utena does not see her for weeks after.

When they next meet, they fall on their knees, crying and begging each other's forgiveness.

"I wanted to find the one person who never gave up on me," Anthy sobs, and Utena hates herself for ever doubting her.

"I never have."

Anthy moves into Utena's dorm after registering for classes. It's small, simple, nothing like what they're used to and nothing like what either of them have dreamed of, but the only price they pay is tuition fees.

Some days have been nothing but bad memories and hurt feelings. Utena hates it when either of them cries, because Anthy's tears are still enough to destroy her heart while Anthy will apologize if Utena sheds so much as a single tear. Sometimes Anthy becomes angry or offended because Utena genuinely cannot remember something that happened that was supposedly important. Other times, Utena is frustrated while Anthy tries to tell her it's okay if she can't remember.

On the worst days, Utena wonders if they were better off never finding each other after all. And it hurts, because the words she said back at the castle still hold true.

_The only time I was ever truly happy was with you!_

The good days, the truly good days when it seems like nothing can go wrong and they truly were meant to be, come few and far between at first. The first one comes weeks after they meet again; not one mention is made of Ohtori Academy or their old friends and their troubles. They spend the whole day at a community garden admiring every flower but the roses, and Utena learns that Anthy's true favorite flower is the Hyacinth.

"If I had a garden of my own, I would plant nothing but Hyacinths," she says longingly. The next day, Utena starts looking at houses.

 

The fall semester is over when they finally find a house they can agree on. It's affordable, close to the university, and there's plenty of room for a garden in the backyard. Their landlady's only caution is to avoid pesticides, as her dogs run around outside.

Their first days in the new house are spent in endless bliss as they get ready for the winter holidays. They buy a Christmas tree in a parking lot and decorations at a dollar store, each one pretending to be going for a walk or cleaning a room while they buy and wrap each other's gifts.

Once in a while, Utena will think of their old friends, wonder how they're doing. She imagines Saionji dragging Touga and Nanami home to his family's for Christmas, Juri and Shiori taking a ski vacation, Miki and Kozue seeking out relatives.

She remembers the silly sweaters Wakaba used to buy them, and she misses her friend. But every time she tries to start a letter she chickens out and rips it up. When she goes to throw them away, she finds a crumpled slip of paper with Anthy's writing on them already in the wastebasket.

She pretends she doesn't see the words _dear brother_ at the top.

They celebrate a quiet Christmas in front of the fireplace, exchanging gifts, eating a small meal Utena prepared and watching the snow fall.

 

Their worst fight seems to come out of nowhere, but Utena knows it's been building for some time.

It happens in February, on Valentine's Day of all days. They've been getting along beautifully since Christmas, so when Valentine's Day rolls around Utena decides it's time to move their relationship to the next stage. She's sure Anthy's been thinking about it, too, especially when they go for walks in the snow and read gardening magazines together.

She makes a plan to surprise Anthy. A walk in the park, through the fresh snowfall. A romantic meal, prepared with love. Dessert at the fancy cake shop they've longed to visit but can't justify spending five-thousand yen on dessert.

And of course, a rose.

Utena remembers Ohtori's obsession with roses, but now that they're free of the old ways, the meaning they once had no longer applies. She buys a single red rose to leave on Anthy's pillow that morning, and makes a plan for the rest of the day.

When Anthy awakens, though, her reaction is the opposite of what Utena expected.

"Is this your idea of a joke, Miss Utena?"

She hasn't called her _Miss_ in months.

"I...it's for Valentine's Day. I wanted to-I thought-"

"No, Miss Utena." Anthy dashes the rose against the dresser, snapping its stem and sending petals scattering everywhere. "You _didn't_ think. I thought you would have understood by now. You accused _me_ of potentially going back to the past, when you've just flung it in my face."

Seeing a romantic gesture she'd spent her hard-earned yen on damaged in such a way made something in her snap, and Utena narrows her eyes.

"Then why did I find a letter to him in the trash last December?" And she immediately regrets it when she sees Anthy's eyes momentarily go blank, before she throws the broken rose to the floor and stomps off to the shower. She takes so long in there that Utena decides to simply wash her face, brush her teeth, and use the showers in the gym before her first class.

She doesn't see Anthy for the rest of the day, and as she looks at all of the happy couples or couples-to-be exchanging gifts and sweet words, she hates herself for ruining what should have been the best day of their lives. She ends up spending the evening with two other single classmates, eating Chinese takeout and watching bad romantic comedies while she listens to them gripe about their exes.

"You're so lucky you've never bad a boyfriend, Utena. They're nothing but trouble," one says, and Utena closes her eyes, trying not to think about the romance she barely remembers beyond what she wishes she didn't.

_It's not so easy, is it?_

She spends the night with them and doesn't tell Anthy, figuring she'll be glad to have their room to herself for once. Plus, part of her is still angry at Anthy even though she knows she has no right to be.

 

When Utena walks to campus the next morning, she finds someone curled up on a bench sleeping. Her heart leaps into her throat when she realizes it's Anthy, and she forgets all about being upset. She tentatively nudges her shoulder, and Anthy slowly raises her head.

"Utena...?"

"Did you...did you actually fall asleep here?" Utena asks. Anthy nods miserably.

"I couldn't find you when I came home last night and I was worried." Her voice is barely audible. "I looked all over campus and the city for you...when it got to be midnight, the police told me I might as well give up. But...I didn't want to go back there alone. I don't...I can't sleep unless I know you're there with me."

"I'm sorry." Utena can barely get the words out as a wave of guilt crashes over her. The rose, bringing up the discarded letter, and now this. "I'm sorry, Anthy, you shouldn't have had to-all of this is my fault. I'm so sorry." She turns to leave, feeling unworthy of facing the other, but Anthy's hand reaches out and grabs her wrist.

"Please! Don't-I don't want things to stay like this between us." Utena turns back to her, looking into pleading green eyes. "I should have just told you everything from the beginning! Remember when we met for the second time, and I promised there'd be no more secrets between us? I-I _broke_ that promise. I should have-"

"I should have known better than to give you a rose."

"It's not just that. I..." She closes her eyes, tears spilling down her cheeks. "I did the right thing, leaving him behind, but around Christmas I..."

"You missed him."

He was a terrible person, and both of them are better off without him in their lives. He deserved to have his reign of power collapse, and Utena is glad he's never made any attempt to find them. But he was part of their lives just the same, Anthy's even more than her own.

"He was the only family I had for years," Anthy whispers.

"I know. I was stupid to think you'd just forget about him so easily. I...I understand." He was Utena's first kiss, her first romance, her first- _no, don't think about that._ "I shouldn't have brought it up."

"I should have talked to you about it sooner." Anthy lowers her gaze, her shoulders shaking. She doesn't look like she slept well at all, her hair is messy and her clothes are rumpled and she just looks plain exhausted. "And...I'm sorry I ruined your rose." Utena starts to apologize again, but stops herself. They'll end up going in circles, and they've hurt each other enough already.

"Maybe you should go back to the dorm and rest. Your first class isn't for another few hours, right?" Anthy nods.

"Promise me you'll be back when yours is finished?" She's still holding onto Utena's wrist, her voice is shaking, and Utena can't stop herself from embracing her. Anthy's other hand grips the front of her coat, and she doesn't let go for several moments.

"I'll see you in a few hours," Utena promises.

When she gets back to their dorm, Anthy's curled up in a tight ball on Utena's bed. She looks like she's recently had a shower, and she's wearing Utena's bathrobe. She also looks like she's been crying.

They still have an hour before their class together. Utena sits down beside Anthy and smooths her damp hair, taking her hand.

"Don't give up on me," Anthy whispers, and Utena tightens her grip.

"Never."

 

They make up for their botched first Valentine's Day that weekend. Utena doesn't bother with flowers this time, instead they go for a simple romantic dinner followed by dessert at the expensive pastry shop. Despite her initial intentions to pay for them both, she lets Anthy pay for her own meal and half their dessert because starting now, she wants to keep the promise she made not to be selfish anymore. This is _their_ relationship, not just hers.

They communicate more easily with each other after that, and Utena stops keeping track of when they argue or not. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get Anthy to open up about anything, and she respects that. Other times, she tells Utena things that are hard to hear, and she still listens.

It's the first night of spring when they both decide they're ready to take their relationship to the next level. While Utena has imagined many times what it might be like to make love to Anthy, she's held back, knowing they both need to be sure about it.

It won't be perfect. That, Utena has accepted; Anthy is still damaged and she may panic and want to stop, and Utena is not the perfect picture of confidence either. But they make one rule and one rule only, and that's to try their best not to think of him. Tonight is for _them._

They start slowly, awkwardly as they undress. They've seen each other naked in the past; changing in the same room, bathing together. But this is the first time they've ever seen each other up close, and each has her own share of marks to remind them of those days.

"Most of them have faded," Anthy says quietly as Utena takes stock of the lingering bruises and scars. There's so much shame in her eyes, in her voice that Utena wishes to whoever is listening that she could kiss each one and make it go away with the power of love alone. And when Anthy sees the marks left by the swords, the pain in her expression indicates she wishes she could do the same.

But Utena knows such things are impossible, _we cannot erase the past, all we can do is move forward._

And they do. Every kiss, every caress, every discovery of a sensitive place cannot change what was, but they are building their own road with their bodies as maps. Listening to each other, gaguing reactions, stroking with tongues and fingers alike until each of them hits that peak and they collapse in each other's embrace.

They cry, but this time with happiness. They sleep in Anthy's bed that night, and a week later they sell Utena's to another dorm for ten-thousand yen.

 

They've kept up their search for a house, and when they finally find just the right one the semester's ended. Utena's classmates help them move out of their dorm for the manageable fee of Utena treating them to dinner one night. They even invite Anthy to come along.

The house is perfect. A small cottage, big enough for two and maybe a guest, with a big yard. They've kept Chu-Chu so well-hidden during the semester that sometimes _they_ even forget he's there, though he still has his tendencies of running off for days at a time. It's near a small pond, but to the little mouse's relief there are no frogs in sight.

And there's more than enough room for a garden. They start planting a week after they've settled in, and the first seedlings Utena brings home are Hyacinths in every color available.

Their vibrance can't compare to the glow of joy on Anthy's face when she sees them.


End file.
